Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Rujuta Diwekar is the highest paid dietitian in India. She is the one who took care of junior Ambani to lose 108 kgs. Her advice to diabetics: 1. Eat fruits grown locally... Banana, Grapes, Chikoo, Mangoes. All fruits have fructose so it doesn't matter that you are eating a mango over an Apple. A Mango comes from Konkan and Apple from Kashmir. So Mango is more local to you. Eat all the above fruits in diabetes as the fructose will eventually manage your sugar. 2. Choose Seed oils than Veggie oils. Like choose ground nut, mustard, coconut and til. Don't choose chakachak packing oils, like olive,  rice bran etc. Go for kachchi ghani oils than refined oils. 3. Rujuta spends max time in her talks talking about ghee and its benefits. Eat ghee daily. How much ghee we should eat depends on food. Few foods need more ghee then eat more and vice versa. Eat ample ghee. It reduces cholesterol. 4. Include coconut. Either scraped coconut over food like poha, khandvi or chutney with...

Life can begin at 55, it is all in your hands! Many people feel unhappy, health-wise and security-wise, after 60 years of age, owing to the diminishing importance given to them and their opinions. But, it need not be so, if only we understand the basic principles of life and follow them scrupulously. Here are ten mantras to age gracefully and make life after retirement pleasant. 1. Never say I am aged There are three ages, chronological, biological, and psychological. The first is calculated based on our date of birth; the second is determined by the health conditions; the third is how old we feel we are. While we don't have control over the first, we can take care of our health with good diet, exercise and a cheerful attitude. A positive attitude and optimistic thinking can reverse the third age. 2. Health is wealth If you really love your kith and kin, taking care of your health should be your priority. Thus, you will not be a burden to them. Have an annual health c...

26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil.  When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but suddenly the water in the cup 'blew up' into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build-up of energy. His  whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring. He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be  placed in the cup ...

In 1871, Mark Twain was born as Samuel Langhorne Clemens in Florida, Missouri, U.S. He was a writer, and lecturer. He was called the “greatest American humorist of his age.” He wrote the now classic novels, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. He wrote some great stuff that is still read by millions today. He also had some great quotes that continue to live on because of the wisdom in them. Mark Twain was a funny, witty, and wise guy. I hope the below quotes will astonish, enlighten, and amuse you. 1. "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." We walk around all our lives thinking about things that will never happen. We worry, dread, and fear what hasn’t happened and what probably never will. Our minds are out of control. Our heads are filled with negative thoughts that have no bearing in reality, even if we think they do. Eliminating bad thoughts is possible, through methods such as EFT and Th...

Engineer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. And above that, no body in our company knows the formulation in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects." Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."     Project Manager to General Manager: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my ...

One day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist... This is a true story reported on CNN. Andy Hume wrote: Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays.. I haven't licked an ...

TWELVE: You talk with him/her late at night and when you go to bed you still think of him/her. ELEVEN: You walk really slowly when you are with him/her. TEN: You don't feel Ok when he/she is far away. NINE: You smile when you hear his/her voice. EIGHT: When you look at him/her,you do not see other people around you. You see only him/her. SIX: He/She  is everything you want to think. FIVE: You realise that you smile every time you look at him/her. FOUR: You would do anything to see him/her. THREE: While you have been reading this, there was a person in your mind all the time. TWO: You've been so busy thinking of that person that you didn't notice that number 7 is missing. ONE: You are going to check above if that's true and now you are silently laughing to yourself.

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well. Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; who is earning almost as much as you do; one, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are; one, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements one, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life; one, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family ,name one, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen one, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning an...

No one wants to be anonymous. We all want recognition and appreciation for who we are, and what we do. Most of the surveys say that recognition is what we most crave from our workplace. And, it is the determining factor to why people stay at their job. How can you make sure you are not anonymous at work, how can you stand out amongst all the others? Here are some ideas for you to try: 1. See work. In most companies, jobs are almost always bigger than the person. You can make your job bigger and better by simply seeing work that needs to be done, and then do it. Most of us work in small companies…there is always work to do. Do not wait around for someone to point out work to you. Get a reputation as someone who can see work, especially un-assigned work. Chances are good that the baby boomers at your workplace are not using Facebook, Twitter or blog. Seek them out and offer to teach them. They won’t ask, but we all know they do need the help. 2. On time. Be on time in everything you do. ...

Once upon a time a Washerman was bringing up two donkeys. Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B. Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than the other. It always tried to pull the washerman's attraction over it by taking more load and walking fast in front of him.  Innocent Donkey-B is normal, so it will walk normal, irrespective of the washerman's presence. After a period of time, Washerman started pressurizing Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A. But Donkey-B unable to walk fast, got continuous punishment from washerman. It was crying and told personally to Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with each other. We can carry equal load at normal speed." That made Donkey-A all the more energetic and next day it told to washerman that it can carry more load and even it can run fast too. Obviously happier washerman looked at Donkey-B, his BP raised and he started kicking Donkey-B. Next day with smile, Donkey-A carried more load and started run...

Extract from "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene and Joost Elffers Law 1: Never Outshine the Master Always make those above you feel comfortably superior.  In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity.  Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power. Law 2: Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy.  They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove.  In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies.  If you have no enemies, find a way to make them. Law 3: Conceal your Intentions Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions.  If they have no clue what you are up to, th...

Girls are surely going to read it Belive it or not....... Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls. Guys hate flirts. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". ... So true. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly. Guys love their moms. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy li...

We begin this New Year with dampened enthusiasm and dented optimism. Our happiness is diluted and our peace is threatened by the financial illness that has infected our families, organizations and nations. Everyone is desperate to find a remedy that will cure their financial illness and help them recover their financial health. They expect the financial experts to provide them with remedies, forgetting the fact that it is these experts who created this financial mess. Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser. Hard work: All hard work bring a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Laziness: A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current. Earnings: Never depend on a single source of income. [At least make your Investments ge...

Mistake #1: Being Overly Nice The Guy that shows up with roses and goes out of his way to show the woman that he is really interested in her, usually doesn’t go very far in the relationship. Women like the thrill of the chase too.  Have you ever noticed that really attractive women tend to date the guys who hold back A LOT and many people view as a jerk?  You don’t have to prove that you are a nice guy.  It makes you look desperate.  Hold back until you’ve been dating a few month.  She will appreciate you more in the long run. Mistake #2: Trying To "Convince Her To Like You" Don’t try to convince her that you are date worthy.  It is falling on deaf ears and you are making yourself look pathetic.  If she isn’t interested, and she is telling you so, convincing her to go on a date is just going to make your wallet lighter and not give you the end results you desire.  Move on and find someone else. Mistake #3: Looking To Her For Approval Women like strong men.  Men who are wussy ...

Clear out your emotional closet.  Let go of the emotions from past relationships that still linger in your life.  If you feel emotion such as hurt, anger, resentment, rage, or disgust, then you aren’t fully free to love someone else.  Although you say you are finished with that relationship, you clearly aren’t. Clean up your internal dialog.  Internal dialog consists of the things you say to yourself in the conversations you have in your head.  Get rid of negative thoughts about yourself.  No one is perfect.  Your imperfections actually give you character and are part of your charm. Continue your own personal growth.  Take classes and seminars that will move you closer to the best YOU!  You only know what you know until you learn more.  Conversely, you don’t know what you don’t know.  So keep at it.  Learning keeps you young and gives you tools to live life more productively. Stop caring about what other people think about you.  If you are always concerned that someone is judging you, ...

The Con: A person on an internet dating site contacts a woman.  (We haven’t heard of this happening to a man yet.)  They begin to email back and forth on the site.  He claims he wants to take things slow, but then he begins to show a great deal of interest fairly quickly.  He is very flattering and complimentary and indicates that he is very interested in the woman.  The man is targeting a woman who is really needy and highly desires being in a relationship.  They want it so badly that they put blinders on an put their common sense to the side. Before the couple has a chance to meet, he tells the woman that he has to leave the country on business or a preplanned vacation.  He wants to meet her when he gets back and he can’t wait to move to the next step: dating.  He asks for her cell phone number so he can text her while he is away.  Of course the woman gives him her number. While he is away, he contacts her via text several times.  He continues the flattery and building the hopes of s...

Have you ever been dating someone and thought everything was going great when suddenly they stopped calling or returning your calls?  Has this happened several times?  Did it run through your head that there must be something wrong with you?  It is one of the most frequent concerns of our clientele.  Read on to find out what you can do about it. Dear Jeannine: I keep dating the same kind of guys, the ones who ignore me and I end up feel worthless and unattractive.  I think they are different.   But it is the same old story.  Recently I was dating a guy. We went out a few times and everything seems great.  They seem really interested in me. I really like them.  We are seeing each other ever other day and the sex was great.  It seems like after about a month he start becoming disinterested and short with me on the phone when I call.  Then he stopped returning my phone calls and text messages.  I don’t know what went wrong.  I don’t know if it is something about me or something I am doing...

Abraham Lincoln never quits. Born into poverty, Lincoln was faced with defeat throughout his life. He lost eight elections, twice failed in business and suffered a nervous breakdown. He could have quit many times - but he didn’t and because he didn’t quit, he became one of the greatest presidents in the United States history. Here is a sketch of Lincoln’s road to the White House: 1816 His family was forced out of their home. He had to work to support them. 1818 His mother died. 1831 Failed in business. 1832 Ran for state legislature - lost. 1832 Also lost his job - wanted to go to law school but couldn’t get in. 1833 Borrowed some money from a friend to begin a business and by the end of the year he was bankrupt. He spent the next 17 years of his life paying off this debt. 1834 Ran for state legislature again - won. 1835 Was engaged to be married, sweetheart died and his heart was broken. 1836 Had a total nervous breakdown and was in bed for six months. 1838 Sought to become speaker of...