Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Technology advancement with 0

In March 1992, a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April, he received another bill in a similar fashion and hence he threw that one away too.

The following month, the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them; they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month, our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that, having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month, he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.

The bank could now not process ANY cheques from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 was causing the bank's computer to crash.

The following month, the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return of post them would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Driving styles in world

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window. - Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn - Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on Accelerator. .. - Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy

One hand on horn,
One hand on holding gear,
One ear listening to loud music,
One ear on cell phone,
One foot on accelerator,
One foot on clutch,
Nothing on break,
Eyes on females in next car ,"THIS IS #@#$!@$$%" (You guessed right)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Casual Friday at Office

A Company decides to adopt Fridays as Casual Day and they issued a Memo to all department intimating the same.

Week 1
Memo 1: Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3
Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.

Week 6
Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.

Week 8
Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14
Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has distributed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee.

Week 18
Memo 7: Company is providing psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20
Memo 8: We are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day is discontinued

The FBI job

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: Two men and one woman..

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to Beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women will take the things literally. So be careful.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Brain vs Girlfriend

No prices for guessing who won at last. Nice one...

Akash was waiting for his love.
"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up, remember?"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her. All moody and stuff. Oh there she is."
"Scold her, OK?", his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Sheetal comes with the cutest smile and says "I'm sorry honey. I was shopping for shoes and totally forgot about you."
"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain, "she would have had a nervous breakdown."
Akash ignored his brain. "Its OK honey. It is only half an hour. No problem."
She smiled once again, held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today."
"OMG!!!", thought Akash.
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about."
Brain got into action and started delegating work to different parts. Parallel processing... multiple search... complete memory scan.
Sheetal stared at Akash, "Hello! You have been staring at me for 2 minutes now. Are you OK?"
"Huh!", he said, "Oh, nothing's wrong. Just was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain.
"Da**mn!!", thought Akash.
"So what say? How do we celebrate this day?", she asked.
Akash is all confused. "Ask her ...dumbo?", said the brain.
"OK OK. Stop pushing me"
"Honey, you know my lousy memory. I guess I cant recall what today is."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", she shouted and started crying.
"How could you forget!! It's my doggy's birthday."
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
Akash was dumbfounded.
"What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized. Don't worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast, brainy."
The brain was working at 90% capacity - gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Akash.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course, I remember your doggy's birthday. How can I forget that sweet mutt's special day?"
She looked up with utter surprise.
"Huh!!! Doggy is the name of my cat you je**rk."
She stood up angrily and left.
Akash and his brain were left there clueless.

Pope driving

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Love, faith and belief

The year was 1902 when the Professor questioned his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe?
Student replied: "Yes."

Professor questioned again: "What about evil? Has God created evil also?"
Student was silent.

Then student requested whether he may ask a question?
Professor allowed him to do so.

Student asked: "Does cold exists?"
Professor replied: "Yes; don’t you feel the cold, dear?"
Student said: "You are wrong, Sir; cold is the complete absence of heat."

Student asked again: "Does darkness exists?"
Professor answered" "Yes."
Student replied: "You are again wrong; there is no such thing like darkness; its actually the absence of light. We can study light and heat but not darkness and cold. Similarly, the evil does not exist. Actually, it is the absence of love, faith and true belief in God."

The student was Albert Einstein.