Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right. 2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1. 3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions. 4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down. 5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do. 8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it... 12.

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th Marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage". Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? " Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and

A German once visited a temple under construction where he saw a sculptor making an idol of God. Suddenly he noticed a similar idol lying nearby. Surprised, he asked the sculptor, "Do you need two statues of the same idol?" "No," said the sculptor without looking up, "We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage." The gentleman examined the idol and found no apparent damage. "Where is the damage?" he asked. "There is a scratch on the nose of the idol." said the sculptor, still busy with his work. "Where are you going to install the idol?" The sculptor replied that it would be installed on a pillar twenty feet high. "If the idol is that far, who is going to know that there is a scratch on the nose?" the gentleman asked. The sculptor stopped his work, looked up at the gentleman, smiled and said, "I will know it."

A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed. The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised. That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble. Moral of the story: If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, you'll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent. This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship,friendship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully.

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to say each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" ............ ......... "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtful

You may rearrange the ranks ! 10. No, you don’t look fat. 9. I don’t enjoy going to pubs and bars. 8. We’ll talk about it later. 7. You remind me of Jennifer Lopez. 6. I love your cooking. 5. I don’t think of other women. 4. You can use my razor to shave your legs. 3. I love romantic movies. 2. I love spending time with your mom. 1. I’m sorry.

One day I decided to quit. I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality. I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with god. “God”, I said.  ”can you give me one good reason not to quit?” His answer surprised me. “Look around”, he said. “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?” “Yes”, I replied. “When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.” “In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.  And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.” “In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same thing happened in year four.” “Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.” “But just six mon

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.' Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji. Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Fin

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 year old son picked stone & scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand & hit it many limes, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father with painful eyes he asked 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' Man was so hurt and speechless. He sent back to car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own action sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches that child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'. The next day that man committed suicide. Anger and Love have no limits, choose the later to have a beautiful & lovely life.

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'. The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'. Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'. Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain'

Universal law of Love: "Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money " First law of Love: "A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. " Second law of Love: "The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. " Third law of Love: "The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ."

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!! Dear Bo$$, In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$what I meant and re$pond $oon. Your$$incerely, The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: Dear, I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean . ---- YOur BOss.

Dear All,   The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).     If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!   This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.     If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange Officer: "May I see your driver's license?" Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI." Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it." Officer: "The car is stolen?" Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there." Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?" Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk." Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?" Driver: "Yes, sir." Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: "