Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

One day all the employees reached the office and saw a big advice written on the door. Yesterday the person who has been stopping your growth in this company passed away. You are invited to join the funeral. In the beginning, they got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they got curious to know who was the man who stopped their growth. Everyone thought: Well atleast the man who stopped my progress died! One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside they were speechless. They stood shocked in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul. There was a mirror inside the coffin and everyone who looked inside could see himself. There was a sign next to the mirror that read: There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth...It is you. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, success and realization. Your life does not change when your boss friends or company

Good story... One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't need to pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.! Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that and so forth.! This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and

During a Robbery in Hong Kong, the Bank Robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The Money belongs to the Government. Your Life belongs to You." Everyone in the Bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the Conventional Way of Thinking. When a Lady lay on the Table provocatively, the Robber shouted at her: "Please be Civilized! This is a Robbery and not a Rape!" This is called "Being Professional” . Focus only on What You are Trained to do!  When the Bank Robbers returned Home, the Younger Robber (MBA Trained) told the older Robber (who has only completed Year 6 in Primary School): "Big Brother, let's count how much we got." The older Robber rebutted and said: "You are very Stupid. There is so much Money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV News will tell us how much we Robbed from the Bank!" This is called "Experience”  Nowadays, experience is more Im

Towards the end of a wedding, the bride's father approached the groom and said, "Son, I received your last minute WhatsApp message asking me for your wedding gift. I found your request a bit strange, but I have to fulfill your wish regardless. Here's the packet of Four Underwear you asked for." The groom was startled, then looked at his message again... In a rage, he smashed his iPhone on the floor...  "Bloody Autocorrect! It was supposed to be 'Ford Endeavour'!!"

A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door…. A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow dung on the carpet. Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!! Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that? Salesman: - Why Madam? Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!! MORAL: - "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness can be deadly."..

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

An old soldier sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old combat jacket and boots and ordered a coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the soldier and asked, "Are you a real soldier?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life in jungles and mountains. I've taken part in several wars and insurgencies. I've taught more than 1000 officers and several thousand troops about combat. What are you?" She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old soldier and asked: "Are you a real soldier?" He replied, "I always thought I was. But I just

Rujuta Diwekar is the highest paid dietitian in India. She is the one who took care of junior Ambani to lose 108 kgs. Her advice to diabetics: 1. Eat fruits grown locally... Banana, Grapes, Chikoo, Mangoes. All fruits have fructose so it doesn't matter that you are eating a mango over an Apple. A Mango comes from Konkan and Apple from Kashmir. So Mango is more local to you. Eat all the above fruits in diabetes as the fructose will eventually manage your sugar. 2. Choose Seed oils than Veggie oils. Like choose ground nut, mustard, coconut and til. Don't choose chakachak packing oils, like olive,  rice bran etc. Go for kachchi ghani oils than refined oils. 3. Rujuta spends max time in her talks talking about ghee and its benefits. Eat ghee daily. How much ghee we should eat depends on food. Few foods need more ghee then eat more and vice versa. Eat ample ghee. It reduces cholesterol. 4. Include coconut. Either scraped coconut over food like poha, khandvi or chutney with

Dear friends, What is happening in malls. Apart from prices of movie and parking being exorbitant, what was too shocking and alarming was the cost of popcorn. Popcorn being charged at 100, 200 and 300 rupees. The actual cost of these pack of popcorn should be not more than 5 rupees. Even after considering the various other costs involved, they can charge at 20 rupees, or 30 rupees, but why more than 300% of the cost. When the matter was took up, the vendor said, as long as we have takers, we will charge. Why are we wasting our hard earned money and make these buggers rich? Let's curb the temptation and let's boycott this popcorn and teach them a lesson. One average show at one screen has at least 500 people and if 300 people buy this popcorn they make easily 25 to 30000 rupees in one show in one screen, you will be shocked to know that this money runs in lakhs per day per show in just one city. Come on friends lets voice it up, if we stop buying popcorn at malls,

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife... "What is the date today?" I was wondering... then told her that it's 12th September. Call disconnected. I was wondering... Her birthday? No...mine...No... anniversary...no..son's birthday ...no...in laws birthday anniversary...no... Gas booking..done...Utility payments done... Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, squash and kill us and our time... His birthday ...no... Then?! Why date??? Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions. Reached home. Junior was playing in car park. I asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami?" Boy told, "All normal. Why?" I said, "Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?" Boy smiled and told me, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning. She was confused."

One of the best msgs ever read... Sharing it with you guys... How I wish I could remove some lemon juice from water to make it taste perfect again! But alas! Some things can never be undone. Some things can never be changed. There was no way that I know of, to remove the extra lime. So what was the solution then? The only way to correct this was to add four more glasses of water and dilute the lemon juice to make five glasses of fresh lime water. This made me think.. Sometimes we cannot undo some things that have gone wrong in life. Some wrong decisions, wrong choices, wrong investments, wrong actions, wrong associations, wrong words or wrong doings can never be undone. So what is the solution then? When you cannot correct what is wrong, do not waste more time over it. It is like attempting to remove lemon from water. Instead, get busy in adding so many right things in your life that the wrong seems insignificant. We all have a negative side to ourselves. We may not be able to

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant at the corner seat. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in the other corner. Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, "Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there." And then indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver i

एक बार राजा के दरबार मै एक फ़कीर गाना गाने जाता है फ़कीर बहुत अच्छा गाना गाता है। राजा कहते हैं इसे खूब सारा सोना दे दो। फ़कीर और अच्छा गाता है। राजा कहते हैं इसे हीरे जवाहरात भी दे दो। फकीर और अच्छा गाता है।राजा कहते हैं इसे असरफियाँ भी दे दो। फ़कीर और अच्छा गाता है।राजा कहते हैं इसे खूब सारी ज़मीन भी दे दो। फ़कीर गाना गा कर घर चला जाता है। और अपने बीबी बच्चों से कहता है आज  हमारे राजा  ने गाने का खूब सारा इनाम दिया। हीरे जवाहरात सोना ज़मीन असरफियाँ बहुत कुछ दिया। सब बहुत खुश होते हैं। कुछ दिन बीते ; फ़कीर को अभी तक राजा द्वारा मिलने वाला इनाम नही पहुँचा था । फ़कीर राजा के दरवार में फिर पहुँचा और कहने लगा, "राजाजी आप के द्वारा दिया गया इनाम मुझे अभी तक नहीं मिला।" राजा कहते हैं, "अरे फ़कीर, ये लेन देन की बात क्या करता है। तू मेरे कानों को खुश करता रहा और मैं तेरे कानों  को खुश करता रहा।"

A Sardar gifted his son a gun on his wedding night and said, "Shoot in the air if your wife is a virgin and Shoot her if she is not a virgin." Son fires in the air on the first night and shoots her on the second night.                               Singh is King!

Life can begin at 55, it is all in your hands! Many people feel unhappy, health-wise and security-wise, after 60 years of age, owing to the diminishing importance given to them and their opinions. But, it need not be so, if only we understand the basic principles of life and follow them scrupulously. Here are ten mantras to age gracefully and make life after retirement pleasant. 1. Never say I am aged There are three ages, chronological, biological, and psychological. The first is calculated based on our date of birth; the second is determined by the health conditions; the third is how old we feel we are. While we don't have control over the first, we can take care of our health with good diet, exercise and a cheerful attitude. A positive attitude and optimistic thinking can reverse the third age. 2. Health is wealth If you really love your kith and kin, taking care of your health should be your priority. Thus, you will not be a burden to them. Have an annual health c

A man parks his bicycle nearby the parliament house and walks on. A police constable stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it's a VIP road and many MPs, sometimes CMs, PMs and even President pass from here." Man replied, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle."

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his mobile and started talking in a loud voice "Hi Sweetheart, it's Rajaram I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No honey, I was not with Preethi from the Accounts Office, I was with the boss attending the meeting." "No Sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure dear." Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Rajaram darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Now, Rajaram is back from hospital and doesn't use his mobile in public any longer.

A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said. "My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours." "And then ..?" "He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me." "And then?" "He should never sleep without me by his side." "And then ..?" "When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first." "And then ..?" "He should not go anywhere without me." "And then ..?" "If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief." "And then ..?" "That's it." And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil.  When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but suddenly the water in the cup 'blew up' into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build-up of energy. His  whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring. He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be  placed in the cup to dif

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize." "That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question." "Well, I've got a Masters in maths and have been teaching maths for 35+ years," I proudly replied. "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Rahul Gandhi's speech and to meet him back stage, ... What is 2+2?" I replied, "7."

I took an auto from the town, to the medical college where my friend's mother is admitted. As I was suffering from back-pain, I asked the auto rickshaw driver,who was a pretty young boy to ride it smoothly as I am suffering from back-pain. Though I was expecting some rude reply (like how it usually is), he replied, "Okay sir" in a gentle voice and kept his word. Upon reaching destination, I asked him, "How much?" And in return he pointed me to a box kept near to his seat and replied "Put anything that you think is satisfactory for this ride." I got confused for a minute and then I saw a label over the box. It read - "Donation for the poor and needy patients". Meanwhile, the security personnel rushed to us asking us to move the vehicle from the front side. But upon seeing the autorickshaw driver, the watchman smiled and said, "Namaskar Sir". Both of them smiled at each other and the auto driver left. Upon anxiety, I asked t

In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they got bankrupt. What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 year - and most people don't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became way superiour and got mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs. Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution. Welcome to the Exponential Age. Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years. Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and a

The door bell rings in a flat and the woman alone in the house opens the door. Beggar, "Amma please give me something" Woman, "here take" Beggar, "please come out and give" Woman, "OK" Beggar, "Ha Ha Ha Ha I am Ravan" Woman, "Ha Ha Ha I  am not Sita, I am the kaamwali." Beggar, "Ha Ha ,even better, I still regret carrying away Sita, Mandodari will be happy, we want a maid. I am going to kidnap you." Woman, "Ha Ha Ha Only Ram came searching for Sita. If I am missing, ALL the people in the building will come searching for me..." Maid in India.