Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

A small boy parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on... A police constable stops him and asks: Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know about this road? Many MPs, sometimes CMs, even President and cabinet ministers and politicians pass from here... The boy replied innocently: Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle.

Towards the end of a wedding, the bride's father approached the groom and said, "Son, I received your last minute WhatsApp message asking me for your wedding gift. I found your request a bit strange, but I have to fulfill your wish regardless. Here's the packet of Four Underwear you asked for." The groom was startled, then looked at his message again... In a rage, he smashed his iPhone on the floor...  "Bloody Autocorrect! It was supposed to be 'Ford Endeavour'!!"

A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door…. A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow dung on the carpet. Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this!! Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that? Salesman: - Why Madam? Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!! MORAL: - "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness can be deadly."..

An old soldier sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old combat jacket and boots and ordered a coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the soldier and asked, "Are you a real soldier?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life in jungles and mountains. I've taken part in several wars and insurgencies. I've taught more than 1000 officers and several thousand troops about combat. What are you?" She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old soldier and asked: "Are you a real soldier?" He replied, "I always thought I was. But I just ...

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife... "What is the date today?" I was wondering... then told her that it's 12th September. Call disconnected. I was wondering... Her birthday? No...mine...No... anniversary...no..son's birthday ...no...in laws birthday anniversary...no... Gas booking..done...Utility payments done... Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, squash and kill us and our time... His birthday ...no... Then?! Why date??? Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions. Reached home. Junior was playing in car park. I asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... tsunami?" Boy told, "All normal. Why?" I said, "Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?" Boy smiled and told me, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning. She was confused."

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant at the corner seat. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in the other corner. Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, "Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there." And then indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver i...

एक बार राजा के दरबार मै एक फ़कीर गाना गाने जाता है फ़कीर बहुत अच्छा गाना गाता है। राजा कहते हैं इसे खूब सारा सोना दे दो। फ़कीर और अच्छा गाता है। राजा कहते हैं इसे हीरे जवाहरात भी दे दो। फकीर और अच्छा गाता है।राजा कहते हैं इसे असरफियाँ भी दे दो। फ़कीर और अच्छा गाता है।राजा कहते हैं इसे खूब सारी ज़मीन भी दे दो। फ़कीर गाना गा कर घर चला जाता है। और अपने बीबी बच्चों से कहता है आज  हमारे राजा  ने गाने का खूब सारा इनाम दिया। हीरे जवाहरात सोना ज़मीन असरफियाँ बहुत कुछ दिया। सब बहुत खुश होते हैं। कुछ दिन बीते ; फ़कीर को अभी तक राजा द्वारा मिलने वाला इनाम नही पहुँचा था । फ़कीर राजा के दरवार में फिर पहुँचा और कहने लगा, "राजाजी आप के द्वारा दिया गया इनाम मुझे अभी तक नहीं मिला।" राजा कहते हैं, "अरे फ़कीर, ये लेन देन की बात क्या करता है। तू मेरे कानों को खुश करता रहा और मैं तेरे कानों  को खुश करता रहा।"

A Sardar gifted his son a gun on his wedding night and said, "Shoot in the air if your wife is a virgin and Shoot her if she is not a virgin." Son fires in the air on the first night and shoots her on the second night.                               Singh is King!

A man parks his bicycle nearby the parliament house and walks on. A police constable stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it's a VIP road and many MPs, sometimes CMs, PMs and even President pass from here." Man replied, "Don't worry, I have locked my bicycle."

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his mobile and started talking in a loud voice "Hi Sweetheart, it's Rajaram I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No honey, I was not with Preethi from the Accounts Office, I was with the boss attending the meeting." "No Sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure dear." Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Rajaram darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Now, Rajaram is back from hospital and doesn't use his mobile in public any longer.

A genie appeared in the dream of a woman. "Whatever you want, just ask", it said. "My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours." "And then ..?" "He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me." "And then?" "He should never sleep without me by his side." "And then ..?" "When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first." "And then ..?" "He should not go anywhere without me." "And then ..?" "If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief." "And then ..?" "That's it." And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a IPhone!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize." "That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question." "Well, I've got a Masters in maths and have been teaching maths for 35+ years," I proudly replied. "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Rahul Gandhi's speech and to meet him back stage, ... What is 2+2?" I replied, "7."

Men: 1. All men are extremely busy. 2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them. 4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around. 5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others. 6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leave them. 7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others. Women: 1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security. 2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes. 3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. 4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully. 5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “An old rag". 6. Although their clothes are ...

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Eric bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Eric, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Eric instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. ...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed t...

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your ho...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. " The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. " The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. Practice makes perfect ... But nobody's perfect ... so why practice? If it's true that we are here to help others. Then what exactly are the others here for? Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. One should love animals. They are so tasty. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep . There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning "Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hou...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Since then I've changed my will three times!"