Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

LOVE: when your eyes meet across a crowded room LUST: when your tongues meet across a crowded room MARRIAGE: when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care LOVE: when intercourse is called making love LUST: all other times MARRIAGE: what's intercourse? LOVE: when you argue over how many children to have LUST: when you argue over who gets the wet spot MARRIAGE: when you argue over money LOVE: when you share everything you own LUST: when you think twice about giving your partner bus money MARRIAGE: when the bank owns everything LOVE: when it doesn't matter if you don't climax LUST: when the relationship is over if you don't climax MARRIAGE: what's a climax? LOVE: when you phone each other just to say "Hi" LUST: when you phone each other just to organize sex MARRIAGE: when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts LOVE: when all you write is poems about your partner LUST: when all you write is your phone nu...

Scenario 1 Love marriage : Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like. Arranged marriage : Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted. Scenario 2 Love marriage : It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain. Arranged marriage : Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible. Scenario 3 Love marriage : Family system hangs because hardware called parents are not responding. Arranged marriage : Compatible with H/w Parents. Scenario 4 Love marriage : You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and...

XYZ Office A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office(approx  5000).  As  usual entire office was evacuated within 3 minutes & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins passed... 5 more mins passed. Security  Officer-  Announcement  started,  "Dear  Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employees. While moving in whoever's ID card won't work are laid off & all their belongings will be  couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office. Hope you have Nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck."

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' - George W. Bush 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush 'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.' - George W. Bush 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W Bush 'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe ' - George W. Bush 'Public speaking is very easy.' - George W. Bush 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' - George W. Bush 'I have opinions of my own -- stro...

A Marwadi having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God. God happy with his prays, grants him only ONE wish! Marwadi: I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new home! God: Damn!!! I still have a lot to learn from these Marwadi's. Lessons learnt from the above story:- Compile all requirements and present in one line rather boring appraiser for long time.

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring states.                                                                             Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.                                                                             After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.                                                                             Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.                                             ...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' Are you going to pass this onm or do you want the bed next to me?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug....

Newton 's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion. Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion. Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion. Rajnikanth Method: Keep warning the lion that you may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself. Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping! Manirathnam Method (director): Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be...

Banta had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the O/S and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same. Dear Mr. Bill Gates, We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice. 1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this. 2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home. 3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem. 4. My child has learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that? 5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer' when you wil...

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting: Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week. Narayan: Oh! Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell? Narayan: No Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this. The next day, the same discussion took place: Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this. The next day, once again: Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is? Narayan: No Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this. This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy? Raman: No Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know. "Rule: There is 'something' important in life than Work and Ge...

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs? Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone. Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop? Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer:No, I can't. Waiter:Then does it really matter? Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers. Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much. Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card. Customer:Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Akash was waiting for his love.. "30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??" “Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is" “Scold her OK?", his brain adviced. "OK I will try" Sweet Sheetal comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey.. I was shopping for shoes.. totally forgot about you" "What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown" Akash ignored his brain.. "It’s OK honey.. It’s only half an hour. No problem" She smiled once again.. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today" "OMG!!!", thought Akash .... "Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I don’t care about" Brain got int...

The bartender asked Georg Ohm what had happened, but Ohm resisted giving any answer. Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency. Robert Boyce commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening. Erwin Shroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave. But Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going. James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam. Charles Darwin refused to take a stand on the days events as he was waiting to see what would evolve. Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating. Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!. After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!” The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!! The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.” When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work. T...

Santa : O Banno Car ki speed itani kyo badha di..? Biwi : Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, accident ho jaye iske pehele ghar pahunch jaate hai. ---------------------------------------------------- Santa & Banta were fighting after exam. Sir: Y r u fighting? Santa : This fool left the answer sheet blank, Sir: So what? Santa: Even I did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied. ---------------------------------------------------- Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho? Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

Rabri Devi died and went to hell. As she stood infront of Yamaraj, she saw a huge wall clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Yamarj replied, "Those are Lie Clocks.Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie,the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is that?" "That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie." "And whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life". Rabri asked, "Where is my Laloo's clock?" "Laloo's clock is in my office, replied Yamaraj, " I am using it as a ceiling fan."

Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine" He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d compliment" Once a Sardar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so? He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar , where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pi...