Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum: Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy? I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden (?), $250k annual income is not enough. I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym) 2) Which age gro

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. If there is anything disagreeable going on, men are always sure to get out of it. Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman. Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap -- even men who hate baths. Were there no women, men might live like gods. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me. A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes. Anatomy is destiny. The great question -- which I have not been able to answe

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars. "What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!" So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill." The man sent a bill that read: Tapping with a hammer....................... $

A Professor at one of the IIM's ( INDIA ) was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:- 1) You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing 2 ) You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising 3 ) You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing 4) You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations 5) You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: &q

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back !"

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. But that sped the drivers up even more! So Farmer John kept

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat." "Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied. In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the men in" "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked. One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home." The woman went in and told her hus

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' The case was dismissed...!!!!!!!

Always thought that I would be more happier been alone A wicked promise I made to myself Assuming that nobody can change my stubborn mind As life goes on , when time flies Thought it’s better if someone there To share all happy and sad moments Someone to share my secrets and feelings Especially to stand beside me when I am down Over the Past years I see nothing but the loneliness Haunting me like a black shadow covering my soul And the one I regret most in my life now Life is full of opportunities Have to accept it at that very moment Without waiting for better prospects As these opportunities may never again be available As I realized what I have missed in my life all these years I am waiting to see a shooting star To make a promise once again To change my life . . .

Business is made up of ambiguous victories and nebulous defeats. Claim them all as victories. Keep track of what you do; someone is sure to ask. Be comfortable around senior managers, or learn to fake it. Never bring your boss a problem without some solution. You are getting paid to think, not to whine. Long hours don’t mean anything; results count, not efforts. Write down ideas; they get lost, like good pens. Always arrive at work 30 minutes before your boss. Help other people network for jobs. You never know when your turn will come. Don’t take days off sick—unless you are. Assume no one can/will keep a secret. Know when you do your best—morning, night, under pressure, relaxed; schedule and prioritize your work accordingly. Treat everyone who works in the organization with respect and dignity, whether it be the cleaner or the managing director. Don’t ever be patronizing. Never appear stressed in front of a client, a customer or your boss. Take a deep breath and ask yourself: In the c

1. It tells you that everything you do will always leave a mark. 2. You can always correct the mistake you make. 3. The important thing in life is what you are from inside and not from out side. 4. In life you will undergo painful sharpening which will make you better in whatever you do. 5. Finally, to be the best you can be, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the hand that holds you.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effe

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy ! 1. Why did you apply for this job? I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now. 2. Why do you want to work for this company? I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind. 3. Why should I hire you? You have to hire some one, you may give me a try. 4. What would you do if this happened? Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation... 5. What is your biggest strength? Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company 6. What is your biggest weakness? Girls 7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it? Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today 8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of? Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it. The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me." The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2,700." The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the gu

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?" "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there. Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says,"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the *German hell* and asks, "What do they do here?" He told," First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the *USA** hell* as well as the *Russian hell *and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the *Indian hell* and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper. The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!'' Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!" ''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it." The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said. So the 2nd

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE When you rearrange the letters: FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL DILIP VENGSARKAR When you rearrange the letters: SPARKLING DRIVE BARA THEDA When you rearrange the letters: ARAB DEATH PRINCESS DIANA When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN MONICA LEWINSKY When you rearrange the letters: NICE SILKY WOMAN DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROO M PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you

After having failed his exam in "Logic and Law ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and marrie

A gentleman was once visiting a temple under construction. In the temple premises, he saw a sculptor making an idol of God. Suddenly he saw, just a few meters away, another identical idol was lying. Surprised he asked the sculptor, do you need two statutes of the same idol. No said the sculptor. We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage. The gentleman examined the sculptor. No apparent damage was visible. Where is the damage asked the gentleman? There is a scratch on the nose of the idol. Where are you going to keep the idol? The sculptor replied that it would be installed on a pillar 20 feet high. When the idol will be 20 feet away from the eyes of the beholder, who is going to know that there is scratch on the nose? The gentleman asked. The sculptor looked at the gentleman, smiled and said "The God knows it and I know it". The desire to excel should be exclusive of the fact whether someone appreciates it or not. Excellence is a drive from "insi

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan! Operator: Yes, you can speak to me. Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan ! Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent. Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about? Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now , Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? Operator: I'm Saw Ree . Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!! Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ... Caller: O h ....

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received. About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, The manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !" As expected, he got thrashing of his life time.... Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!!! :-)

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it. FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye. SIX.. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?' FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and g

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate envi

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?" "Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you t

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was fam

Good one.. Some rules cannot be followed ... :)))) A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office. " What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy. "John ," the new guy replied. She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,   what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling." " Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son: "I will choose my own bride!" Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son: "Well, in that case...ok" Next Father approaches Bill Gates. Father: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!! Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

Dear Tech Support Team:       Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other   programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't  seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, "A Troubled User "

Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days leave without any notice. When he returned his PL asked for explanation. The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly". The PL let it go at that. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time he said his father died. Then the PL got changed. After 3 months the same pattern repeated. And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died. After 3 months same thing again... and this time his father died. This happened repeatedly for 2 years. At the end, one PL checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five times?" To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."!!!!!!

Sanjay, a rich guy, loved fast cars and he did have a few in his possession. He loved to speed and could not be bothered about breaking speed limits. Many a times he was caught by the cops and speed radars, fined, but still he never bothered until one day as he was driving at a very high speed as usual, he saw a cop following him. The cop overtook him finally and asked him to stop and checked his license. He then took out his pad and started writing, and then handed over the sheet of paper to Sanjay. How much was this one going to cost?!!! Wait a minute. What was this???? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Sanjay began to read: "Dear Sanjay, Once upon a time I had a lovely daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver's car. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his three daughters. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven, before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've trie

Teacher: "What is your name?". Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai." Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english." Student:"My name is Sunlight. ------------------------------ --------------- Teacher: What happened in 1869? Student:Gandhi ji was born. Teacher :What happened in 1873? Student:Gandhiji was four years old. --------- --------- --------- --------- Question:What is the fullform of maths. Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ? Student : BROTHERLY LOVE --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August. Student:A holiday --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it. Raju:No ma'm! I will not be abl

A Junior Software engineer , a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager is on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each". So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he was gone. Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he was also gone. The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm" Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first" Technorati : employee , manager , wish

'If you pay peanuts, you will get monkeys,' goes an adage. These days with a shortage of good talent in the job market, the saying doesn't really hold true. Companies are willing to offer good salaries to the right candidates. But even after this there are things that individuals should keep in mind while negotiating their salaries. What may look like an increase in salary may not lead to a real increase. This is primarily because these days most companies quote annual salary packages they offer to their employees in terms of what is known as 'cost to company,' or CTC. Cost to company is a term which essentially implies the amount of expenses the company will spend on an employee in a particular year. What may be an expense for the company need not be salary for the employee. Hence very rarely does it happen that the CTC divided by the number of months in a year, i.e. twelve, comes down to the actual monthly salary that an individual receives. Let's look at the

Before the marriage: He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Yes! She: Will you hit me? He: No way! I'm not such kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. . . . . . . . . Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up!!!! Technorati : he , marraige , she

Hi, If you know some one staying in Pune let them know this. If you are inpune, do go through this story COZ, its a real one. Read this true story... and let everybody you know in and around Pune especially University Road ......... My friend lives in Deccan... One day he went to University Roadto visit his uncle for some days as his parents had to attend a wedding in Lonavla. One evening he and some other of my college friends went to Adlabs for a movie. He had so much fun that he forgot that it's very late. He caught the last PMT to University Road..... he reached University Road around midnight...... He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to home.... As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night felt very creepy as it was so dark. While walking, he was astonished to see an old weird-looking guy selling some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing like that..... It got the shivers ! on him when he noticed that his old guy was unusually pale and staring a

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists that her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton from Walmart: Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below. Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart: 1 June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3

A book was cast in stone more than 3,500 years ago in Babylon and was found by a British professor late last century. What impressed him -- and helped him come out of a debt crisis -- were the inscriptions on how to manage one's finances. The book is now available as The Richest Man of Babylon. It's a very small book, but with some very profound thoughts. 1. Pay yourself first: When we think of budgeting against our income, we typically look at our expenses: how much do I have to pay my landlord, my grocery bills, my medical expenses, my entertainment bills, et cetera. Once we have decided on our expenses, we find out what our savings will be. Financial advisors and many credit card companies (or banks) today help clients in estimating their lifestyle expenses and help them understand where their money is being spent. The old book turns this theory on its head: it says 'pay yourself first.' Before you pay others for the services that they give you, you should save mone

A group of alumni, well settled in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about the stress at work and in their lives. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal. While some were plain looking others were expensive and exquisite. The professor asked the group to help themselves to the hot coffee. When the students were holding the cups in their hands, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the expensive and nice looking cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones." The professor went on to say, "It is quiet normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, but that is the source of your problems and stress. Now, what all of you really wanted was the coffee and not the cup. You consciously went for the best cups and were noticing each other's. Now if life is co

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities. The Manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a tape. The tape measure was just the ordinary tape of 6 feet. The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start the measure. They were falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess. An Engineer came along and saw what they' were trying to do. He walked over pulled the Flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away. After the Engineer went away, one manager turns head to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length" Moral: No matter how good an engineer you are, Manager always finds fault in

The business executive was deep in debt and could see no way out. Creditors were closing in on him. Suppliers were demanding payment. He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy. Suddenly an old man appeared before him. "I can see that something is troubling you," he said. After listening to the executive's woes, the old man said, "I believe I can help you." He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying, "Take this money. Meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time." Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come. The business executive saw in his hand a check for $500,000, signed by John D. Rockefeller, then one of the richest men in the world! "I can erase my money worries in an instant!" he realized. But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe. Just knowing it was there might

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, theyfind it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that tick sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!"

You know when I was flying with the speed of 500 KG and when I saw the ground 500 Ltr deep my heart started beating at the speed of 60 Ft. The thought that I will fell suddenly with the weight of 70 km/hr of whole plane put me in a back seat a while. Then I managed to get the confidence of 900 Sq.Ft. and at last I survived. I remember the day vividly. It was April Fool. And for mad people like me any day could be 1st April. Technorati : april fool

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A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn." "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida ." Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all, walked over to the boy and

kisi ka error, kisi ki exception, kisi ka bug, kisi ki tension, yahaan pe programmer ki har khushi, rupaiya hai ya dollar hai ya pound, hey server down, down...... hey server down, down...... hmmm kitna kitna, kitna kaafi hai kisko bolo uske jitna, apni salary ko aise tolo sabka dharam, ki kam na ho rakam, aare sapnon mein sikko ka sound, hey server down, down....>hey server down, down.... (la la la la....)oh yeah chikni, chikni, meri noto ki chamdi chikni tikni, tikni project hai inke dum pe bikni skill hai naram, to khayega zakham, tera bug tester ka found, hey server down, down.... hey server down, down.... kisi ka error, kisi ki exception, kisi ka bug, kisi ki tension, yahaan pe programmer ki har khushi, rupaiya hai ya dollar hai ya pound, hey server down, down......>hey server down, down...... Technorati : developer , software , song

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions. Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test. PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND" and he too passes. It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to

One boy raised his hand and stood up; Bush: whats your name John: john Bush: whats your question Johm: sir I have three questions 1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO 2) where is osama 3) why does America support Pakistan so much Bush: you are an intelligent student john….(just then the bell for recess rang) Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over. After the recess Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question? Peter raises his hand Bush :Whats your name? Peter : sir I have 5 questions. 1) why did America attack iraq without the approval of UNO 2) where is osama 3) why do America support Pakistan so much 4) why did recess bell rang 20 mins before the scheduled time 5) where is JOHN? Technorati : America , Bush , Osama , Pakistan

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work.Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why? (This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying. ) 2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be? 3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in t

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water? PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O ! ***************** TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America. PAPPU : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS : PAPPU! ***************** TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"? PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ***************** TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I". PAPPU : I is... TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am." PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ***************** TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?" PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ***************** TEACHER : "George Washington not only cho