Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant at the corner seat. He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in the other corner. Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, "Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there." And then indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver i...

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?” I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze. “Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked. She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…” “No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. “I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three month...

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" " Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are females.

A Quality engineer married an average girl After two years of tough life with her, finally engineer got angry and sent note to father-in-law stating that " YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS". The smart father-in-law replies, "WARRANTY EXPIRED,MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" He added, "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?' The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'

Rutali married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party, Rutali's mother gave her a  newly opened bank saving passbook with Rs.1000 deposit amount. Mother: 'Rutali, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriagelife. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your newlife, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh.When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.' Rutali shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can bemade. This was what they did after certain time: - 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage - 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Rutali - 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali - 15 Apr: Rs..2000, Rutali got pregnant - 1 Jun: Rs.100...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.   He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was fa...

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy  was the apple of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for work so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and fascinated by its color, drank it all. It happened to be a  poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face  her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words. The husband just said "I Love You Darling" The husband's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There...

Number 10 The waiting game You called her and, although you usually don't do this (or at least you shouldn't), you left a message for her to call you back. Hours or even days may pass before she returns your call. She's biding her time because she doesn't want to look too eager or too interested. Although she's interested in you, she doesn't want to risk chasing you away by appearing clingy. What you should do: After a few days, you could call back to make sure she received the message, but after this point, it's up to her to follow up. If she doesn't, take the hint. Number 9 The bait game The "I think I look fat in these pants... do you?" scenario is a tricky situation. Asking for your opinion is important to her; she wants to make sure that you find her desirable. But by framing the question as an effort to validate her own opinion, she's baiting you into jamming your foot into your mouth. What you should do: Don't take the bait. Look...

1. Make her feel secure, don’t threaten her with divorce. 2. Give sincere Salaams. 3. Treat her gently, like a fragile vessel. 4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere. 5. Be generous with her. 6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart. 7. Avoid anger, be in Wudhu at all times. 8. Look good and smell great for your wife. 9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken. 10. Be a good listener. 11. Yes for flattery. No for arguing. 12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, and names she loves to hear. 13. A pleasant surprise. 14. Preserve and guard the tongue. 15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings. 16. Give sincere compliments. 17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family. 18. Speak of the topic of her interest. 19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is. 20. Give each other gifts. 21. Get rid of routine, surprise her. 22. Have a good opinion of each other. 23. Have good manners, overlook small t...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: Two men and one woman.. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her hus...

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th Marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage". Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? " Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and ...

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to say each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" ............ ......... "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair ...

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin? Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking. Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite? Man: My wife... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business? Student: Father-in-Law! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u. After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai. Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai? Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to...

Children (esp. newborns), Work, and School. These things are the usual reason why you and your honey are not have sex. You figure our sex life is on the fritz, and fear that the relationship is over. Don't worry, these 5 ways are guaranteed to bring back the life to the old sex section. 1. Lingerie   Ladies, spice it up! If you have a man that loves a woman in ligerie, then give him what he wants. Find out what color he likes you in, then head to the store (any store with lingerie) and buy it. And for those who find it a hassle to shop for lingerie, a cute bra and panty matching set works just the same. Grab some heels, tease the hair,  practice a seductive dance and PRESTO! you got sexy. 2. Sexy Phone Calls If you are an at home mom and he is a work all day dad, then sexy phone calls are sure to work. They are a great way to spice things up without even changing clothes. One afternoon, put your children to sleep for a nap, and call in to his office. Put some seduction in your voic...

Have you seen recent advertisement of M/S SAINT GOBAIN GLASSES shown in TELEVISION'S - Then you must have known about 2 Way mirror) How to determine if a mirror is 2 way or not (Not a Joke!)? Not to scare you, but to make sure that you aware. Many of the Hotels and Textile showrooms cheat the customers this way & watch privately. HOW TO DETECT A 2-WAY MIRROR? When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., How many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them. There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms or bathroom or bedrooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it. So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at? CONDUCT THIS SIMPLE TEST: Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if...

A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Marwadi man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. "Have the police come yet?" the man asked. "No," the woman moaned. "Has the ambulance been here yet?" "No," the injured woman repeated. "How about the insurance company?" "No." "Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"

Equation  1 Human = eat +  sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy Therefore, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, "Human that doesn't know to enjoy =  Donkey that works" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Equation 2 Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat +  sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money Therefore, Men - earn money = Donkeys In  other words, "Men that don't earn money = Donkeys" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Equation  3 Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys =  eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys In  other words, "Women that don't spend = Donkeys" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- To  Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend. So, Men earn money not to let wom...

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well. Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; who is earning almost as much as you do; one, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are; one, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements one, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life; one, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family ,name one, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen one, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning an...