Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

Men: 1. All men are extremely busy. 2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them. 4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around. 5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others. 6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leave them. 7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others. Women: 1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security. 2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes. 3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. 4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully. 5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just “An old rag". 6. Although their clothes are

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really fe

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoc

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Eric bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Eric, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Eric instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed t

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story,"says the owner. The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, He notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street. This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind Him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still Squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he r

In 1871, Mark Twain was born as Samuel Langhorne Clemens in Florida, Missouri, U.S. He was a writer, and lecturer. He was called the “greatest American humorist of his age.” He wrote the now classic novels, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. He wrote some great stuff that is still read by millions today. He also had some great quotes that continue to live on because of the wisdom in them. Mark Twain was a funny, witty, and wise guy. I hope the below quotes will astonish, enlighten, and amuse you. 1. "I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." We walk around all our lives thinking about things that will never happen. We worry, dread, and fear what hasn’t happened and what probably never will. Our minds are out of control. Our heads are filled with negative thoughts that have no bearing in reality, even if we think they do. Eliminating bad thoughts is possible, through methods such as EFT and Th

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your ho

A 24 year boy seeing out from the train window and shouted, "Dad , look the trees are going behind" Dad smiled. A young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old's childish behavior with pity. Suddenly he again said, "Dad, look the clouds are running with us!!" The couple Couldn’t resist and said to the old man, "Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?" The old man smiled and said, "I did it & we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today". Moral of the story Don’t jump 2 a conclusion directly. Bcoz what you see is most probably not the truth!

HUMOR — Barney Corkhill's Great Quotes series moves on from baseball to cricket. In this series I look at a selection of the very best quotes to ever grace various sports. The quotes aren't just from players, coaches and commentators, but anyone who has ever said a good quote to do with the chosen sport! Some are intentional, some aren't, I'll leave you to make your own mind up! So, without further adieu, lets look at the first 20 great quotes from Cricket! Enjoy! "A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can't be more than 30" - Michael Abrahamson "Strangely, in slow motion, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer" - David Acfield "Like an elephant trying to do the pole vault" - Jonathan Agnew as heavyweight Pakistan captain Inzamam-Ul-Haq falls over his own stumps "Botham just couldn't quite get his leg over" - Jonathan Agnew as Ian Botham tries in vain to lift his leg o

AT THE ANNUAL CONVOCATION 2004 OF THE INDIAN INSTITUTE OF MANAGEMENT AT KOLKATA AT 2-15 PM ON APRIL 3, 2004 ON “CONTINUOUS TRANSFORMATION”. Distinguished Director and faculty of IIM- Kolkata, Guests, and my young friendsI am very happy to be with you this afternoon. Indian Institute of Management – Calcutta is one the earliest management colleges of higher learning to be set up in the country. The pioneering spirit continues even after IIM-C has transformed itself into a world class institution. In your two years here, you must have experienced the enormous change in your own understanding of business and management. Graduation is not the end but the beginning of learning and change. I have found that people who succeed most in their careers are those who can constantly transform themselves. Transformation is not so much a process, as a deep seated desire to change ourselves and our environment. Based on my own experience, I would like to share with you my thoughts on how to make con

Over the years, I’ve collected some of the smartest-yet-funny software development quotes I have read. Here’s the current short list in no particular order. Oddly enough, there are thirteen of them and they all address the woes of programming. Feel free to add any like quotes in the comment section! “The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.” – Tom Cargill “In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.” – Author Unknown “I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.” – Bjarne Stroustrup “A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” – Mitch Ratcliffe “There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so

If you get in my way, I'll kill you! - ideal project manager If you get in my way, you'll kill me! - somewhat less than ideal project manager If I get in my way, I'll kill you! - somewhat misguided project manager If I get in your way, I'll kill you! - A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.) If get kill in will way I you. - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager I am the way! Kill me if you can! - messianic project manager Get away, I'll kill us all! - suicidal project manager If you kill me, I'll get in your way. - thoughtful but ineffective project manager If I kill you, I'll get in your way. - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm. - project manager from New York I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed. - project manager who is about to get in big trouble If you kill me, so what? If you get

Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scra

Below are some common findings that you can see in a mammal called as a software engineer. They never bargain. No wonder things have become so costly!  When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven't slept for years. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what 'foreign land' is called] are the ones that would be used by 'default'. Weekends are holy word. They are like a salvation one seeks for. "Wazzzup" and "Hows life?” are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by "how's work?"  Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in. They don't send or take things. They always forward them!  Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they

There comes a day in everyone's life, when it is time to retrospect on past happenings, and at the same time, look into the future. For the students of XIMB, the Foundation Day on October 14th is such an occasion. This year, Mr. Ashok Soota, the Chairman of Mindtree Consulting, delivered the Foundation Day lecture and ensured that the occasion was memorable for one and all. The topic of this year's lecture was "Realizing Your Personal Potential". Mr. Soota started by saying that the realization of one's personal potential should be the most important task in anyone's life. His focus was not only on successful careers but also on the innumerable other factors that contribute towards the shaping of a personality. According to him, success was the ability to set and meet achievable targets, and then continuously raise the bar. He also quoted the following inspiring saying by Sri Sri Ravishankar: "Stretching sound is music, stretching music is dance, stre

1. If swimming is a good exercise to stay fit, then Why WHALES are fat? 2. Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to die? 3. Shall I say that there is racial discrimination in CHESS as WHITE piece is moved first? 4. In our Country, we have freedom for SPEECH, then Why telephone bills? 5. If MONEY does'nt grow on tress then Why do BANKS have branches? 6. Why does a round PIZZA come in a SQUARE box? 7. Why does'nt GLUE stick to its bottle? 8. Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT? 9. If its true that WE are here to help others, then what OTHERS are here for? 10. If you are'nt supposed to DRINK AND DRIVE, then Why do BARS have parking lots? 11. We are funny people living in a SERIOUSLY funny world!

So you want to be more creative, in art, in business, whatever. Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years. 1. Ignore everybody. 2. The idea doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be yours. 3. Put the hours in. 4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being “discovered” by some big shot, your plan will probably fail. 5. You are responsible for your own experience. 6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. 7. Keep your day job. 8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity. 9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb. 10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props. 11. Don’t try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether. 12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you. 13. Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside. 14. Dying young is overrated. 15. The most important

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. " The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. " The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

When you are in office your boss always say you something. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. But you have to develop a skill to know what he is trying to say. Below is a quick guide that will help you understand the hidden meaning of your boss' statements. 1.”We will do it” means “You will do it” 2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you” 3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same” 4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!” 5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do” 6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied” 7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later” 8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time” 9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The projec

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him

In 1975, the CEO of pharmaceutical giant Johnson&Johnson presented his executive team with exactly those challenges. He sent the team on a two-day retreat to discuss the founding document of their company, the J&J Credo, which had hung unheeded and yellowing on company walls for decades after it was penned by the company’s founder. The Credo outlines the company’s specific responsibilities to all its stakeholders, starting with its customers—the doctors, nurses, patients and mothers of sick children who buy the companies medicines—as well as its suppliers, employees, host communities and, finally, the company’s share owners. Toward the end of the meeting, one of J&J’s top executives summarized what he saw as the reality of corporate life. He said that being an executive in a large company was like being a circus juggler, attempting to keep five balls in the air simultaneously. Four of those balls were white (those representing customers, suppliers, employees and communiti

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. Practice makes perfect ... But nobody's perfect ... so why practice? If it's true that we are here to help others. Then what exactly are the others here for? Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. One should love animals. They are so tasty. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep . There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning "Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hou

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Since then I've changed my will three times!"

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: “My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family“, she said “Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.“ “What do you mean my child?” asked the father What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked shouldn’t stop on my account. Those who used to clean should clean. As for me, I am here just to control your son!

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name." A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." A lady calls the poli

In science we are really good at disproving things and are very poor at proving things. Theories like the Theory of Relativity go on and on because no one can think of anything better. We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, someone discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the

I feel that the following is information that any one who uses a microwave oven to heat water should be made aware of. A 26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but suddenly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring.  He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) s