Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S. May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV n

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We don't remember dates. . . .Period!! Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your d

“Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.” - Anonymous There may be more to the lyric “Put on a Happy Face” than just a catchy tune — putting on a happy face is absolutely good for you, and those around you. For hundreds of years, it has been acknowledged that “Laughter is the best Medicine”. Breakthrough scientific research is shedding new light on the physiological beneficial effects of humor on health. Laughter can come in handy, whether it’s for dealing with an illness, the pressures of daily living, stress, coping at work even, laughter can dramatically change the quality and outlook of our lives. And laughing makes us feel good for a reason. The physiological effects on our body do some pretty amazing stunts. Here are some examples: 1. Manage your hormones. Laughter reduces the level of stress hormones like cortisol, epinephrine, adrenaline, dopamine and growth hormone. It also increases the level of health-enhancing hormones like endorphins, and neurot

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" " Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman

BILL GATES' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger

If a barber makes a mistake, it's a New Style . If a driver makes a mistake, it's a New Path . If an engineer makes a mistake, it's a New Venture . If parents makes a mistake, it's a New Generation . If a politician makes a mistake, it's a New Law . If a scientist makes a mistake, it's New Invention . If a tailor makes a mistake, it's a New Fashion . If a teacher makes a mistake, it's a New Theory . If our boss makes a mistake, it's a New Idea . If an employee makes a mistake, it's a Mistake ONLY .

A little boy wanted Rs.500 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write to God a letter requesting the Rs.500. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God they decided to forward it to the President as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.200. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a  the boy and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.200, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Government route, and those donkeys deducted Rs.300."

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?' The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?' 'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?' 'Which present?' She asked. 'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!' 'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!' Source: http://resumeitblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/joke-italian-girl.html

1. HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love

Arab son sends an e-mail to his Dad saying: Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when allMy Teachers travel by train. Your Son Nasser Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad: Loving son, Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too. Your Dad

Harley Cobb placed an estate-agency size notice in front of his house in Pasadena, California. It read, in large smart lettering: 'Widower 55 seeks attractive lady (40-60), friendship ... maybe more' and gave his phone number. His sign and his story appeared in newspapers and on TV, and he received more than 4,000 calls from marriage-minded women around the world. He interviewed 800 and dated 81 of them before meeting his wife, Helen, who lived in the neighbourhood. Helen, 46, remembers: 'When I first saw Harley's sign, I thought to myself, 'There's a fruitcase'. But one day I happened to be walking by when he was outside, posing for a photographer. I thought to myself: 'He looks normal'.' She phoned him. They met twice. They got married.

Yesterday started with the best of intentions. I walked into my office in the morning with a vague sense of what I wanted to accomplish. Then I sat down, turned on my computer, and checked my email. Two hours later, after fighting several fires, solving other people's problems, and dealing with whatever happened to be thrown at me through my computer and phone, I could hardly remember what I had set out to accomplish when I first turned on my computer. I'd been ambushed. And I know better. When I teach time management, I always start with the same question: How many of you have too much time and not enough to do in it? In ten years, no one has ever raised a hand. That means we start every day knowing we're not going to get it all done. So how we spend our time is a key strategic decision. That's why it's a good idea to create a to do list and an ignore list. The hardest attention to focus is our own. But even with those lists, the challenge, as always, is execution.

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!' Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, 'Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?' 'No, sweetheart,' she responds. Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, 'Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master Card balance yet?' 'Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,' she says. 'One last thing, Mona. Did you re

First year students of MBBS were attending their first Anatomy class. They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog. The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor. The first is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY, e.g. he inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth. Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said: The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's a lot tougher when you are not paying attention.......

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers. 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them. 7. There are 14 punctuation

A cricket match was in progress between the Aussies & Indians at Wankhede Stadium. Bal Thackrey was sitting in the balcony watching it. He's very happy that the Pakies are not there. Suddenly Sachin hits a sixer to McGrath and the ball lands up just Next to Bal Thackrey's seat. McGrath shouts, 'Hey! Gimme the ball.' Thackrey shouts back, 'Yey , Marathit bol.' ("speak in Marathi") McGrath doesn't understand a thing & repeats his statement. This gets The same reply from Thackrey. Now, a security official standing at the Boundary goes to McGrath & tells him, 'Sir, He is Bal Thackrey.' Now McGrath is excited, (he has heard about him) and shouts, 'OH! BALL TAK REY.' (in marathi it means "throw the Ball) Bal Thackrey is happy and throws the ball back to him.

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university lecturer. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee. When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand. The lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups." "Now, if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hol

27/Apr/2009 : Boston, USA Vision for the Nation: A Distinctive Profile The competitiveness is powered by knowledge, Knowledge is powered by Technology and innovation. Friends, I am delighted to be with the Northeastern University and address students from Northeastern University, Harvard University and other distinguished guests. My greetings to all the members present here. I am inspired by the motto of the Northeastern University “Light, Truth and Courage” which are the three components of education systems. Also, I find that NEU is one of America’s Most Entrepreneurial Campuses. When I am in the midst of students and guests of this great university, I would like to talk on the topic “Vision for the Nation: A Distinctive Profile” . Let me share with you my unique experience in mid 1990’s on formulation of Indian vision 2020 strategies. I was given the task of chairing Technology Information Forecasting and Assessment Council (TIFAC). I recollect, that in the first meeting o

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. ----------------------------------------------- A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without