Time Pass: Funny, Humorous and Good Things

Engineer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. And above that, no body in our company knows the formulation in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects." Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."     Project Manager to General Manager: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my

How guys select the girl they want to marry A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.   He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.   The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.   She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.   The man is impressed.   The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.   She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.   Again, the man is impressed.   The third invests the money in the stock market.   She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint accou

   1. Compare yourself frequently with others.    2. Belittle yourself.    3. Don’t believe in dreams, you think dreams only happen when you are sleeping.    4. Say yes to everybody and everything.    5. Work in a job you hate.    6. Complain about everything.    7. Complain about everything to your friends.    8. Suspicious of everything.    9. Counting your troubles.   10. Harbor negative thoughts.   11. Trying to please everyone and let everyone walk all over you.   12. Constantly think about the past.   13. Constantly think about the future.   14. Focusing on what you lack.   15. Focusing on what you don’t want.   16. Need others to validate you constantly.   17. Think of everything that can possibly go wrong in your life.   18. Being jealous easily.   19. Always envy others and never grateful of what you have instead.   20. Imitating others due to lack of self confidence.   21. Lacking self esteem and cause others to dislike you.   22. Think the world revolves around you.   23. Co

Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u goin? Man: I'm goin 2 listen lecture on ill effcts of drinking. Cop: Who'll lecture at midnite? Man: My wife... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business? Student: Father-in-Law! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u. After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beggar: Saab 12Rs do na coffee peeni hai. Man: Lekin coffee to 6Rs ki hai? Beggar: Par saab girlfrend bhi to

One day a girl licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!! There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist... This is a true story reported on CNN. Andy Hume wrote: Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in those gum applicator trays.. I haven't licked an

Officially, it’s “daylight saving time,” not “daylight savings time.” But don’t feel bad if you thought there was a final “s” on “saving”; far more people Google the incorrect phrase than the correct one. Daylight saving time has mixed effects on people’s health. Transitions into and out of DST can disturb people’s sleeping patterns, for example, and make them more restless at night. Night owls tend to be more bothered by the time changes than people who like mornings, Finnish researchers concluded last year. There’s a spike in heart attacks during the first week of daylight saving time, according to another study published last year. The loss of an hour’s sleep may make people more susceptible to an attack, some experts say. When daylight saving time ends in the fall, heart attacks briefly become less frequent than usual. People are safer drivers during daylight hours, and researchers have found that DST reduces lethal car crashes and pedestrian strikes. In fact, a study concluded tha

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student, "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor, "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student, "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam." Professor, "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?" Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, "Sir, you are 63 years old and

Children (esp. newborns), Work, and School. These things are the usual reason why you and your honey are not have sex. You figure our sex life is on the fritz, and fear that the relationship is over. Don't worry, these 5 ways are guaranteed to bring back the life to the old sex section. 1. Lingerie   Ladies, spice it up! If you have a man that loves a woman in ligerie, then give him what he wants. Find out what color he likes you in, then head to the store (any store with lingerie) and buy it. And for those who find it a hassle to shop for lingerie, a cute bra and panty matching set works just the same. Grab some heels, tease the hair,  practice a seductive dance and PRESTO! you got sexy. 2. Sexy Phone Calls If you are an at home mom and he is a work all day dad, then sexy phone calls are sure to work. They are a great way to spice things up without even changing clothes. One afternoon, put your children to sleep for a nap, and call in to his office. Put some seduction in your voic

1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles

Have you seen recent advertisement of M/S SAINT GOBAIN GLASSES shown in TELEVISION'S - Then you must have known about 2 Way mirror) How to determine if a mirror is 2 way or not (Not a Joke!)? Not to scare you, but to make sure that you aware. Many of the Hotels and Textile showrooms cheat the customers this way & watch privately. HOW TO DETECT A 2-WAY MIRROR? When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., How many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror i.e., they can see you, but you can't see them. There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms or bathroom or bedrooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by just looking at it. So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at? CONDUCT THIS SIMPLE TEST: Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if

TWELVE: You talk with him/her late at night and when you go to bed you still think of him/her. ELEVEN: You walk really slowly when you are with him/her. TEN: You don't feel Ok when he/she is far away. NINE: You smile when you hear his/her voice. EIGHT: When you look at him/her,you do not see other people around you. You see only him/her. SIX: He/She  is everything you want to think. FIVE: You realise that you smile every time you look at him/her. FOUR: You would do anything to see him/her. THREE: While you have been reading this, there was a person in your mind all the time. TWO: You've been so busy thinking of that person that you didn't notice that number 7 is missing. ONE: You are going to check above if that's true and now you are silently laughing to yourself.

There once was a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired. One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples. He took one in each hand and ran back into the forest. He sniffed the apples and smelled nothing. He tried to eat them, but hurt his teeth. They were made of wood, but they were beautiful, and when the other monkeys saw them, he held onto them even tighter. He admired his new possessions proudly as he wandered the jungle. They glistened red in the sun, and seemed perfect to him. He became so attached to them, that he didn’t even notice his hunger at first. A fruit tree reminded him of his hunger, but he felt the apples in his hands. He couldn’t bear to set them down to reach for the fruit. In fact, he couldn’t relax, either, if he was to defend his apples. A proud, but less happy monkey continued to walk along the forest trails. The apples felt heavy, and at one point the poor little monkey though

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS : Maria! __________________________________________________ TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank? FRANK : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." __________________________________________________   TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.   Here is the story: On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.   As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.   "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be wha

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."   The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"   The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never  learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"   The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"   Moral: When you think the other is dumb, you are making a fool of yourself.

Actual conversation records from US law courts: Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?" Witness: "Every year." Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" Witness: &qu

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it." "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he boun

When a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Here are some real life examples of such excuse letters. You decide what they say. "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot." "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face." "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part." "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins." "Chris will not be in school cus he h

A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Marwadi man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. "Have the police come yet?" the man asked. "No," the woman moaned. "Has the ambulance been here yet?" "No," the injured woman repeated. "How about the insurance company?" "No." "Listen," the Marwadi said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"

A Marwari, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies, "You have to kill these things when they're small

Equation  1 Human = eat +  sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy Therefore, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, "Human that doesn't know to enjoy =  Donkey that works" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Equation 2 Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat +  sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money Therefore, Men - earn money = Donkeys In  other words, "Men that don't earn money = Donkeys" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Equation  3 Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys =  eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend Therefore, Women - spend = Donkeys In  other words, "Women that don't spend = Donkeys" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- To  Conclude: From Equation 2 and Equation 3 Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend. So, Men earn money not to let wom

Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well. Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; who is earning almost as much as you do; one, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are; one, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements one, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life; one, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family ,name one, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen one, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning an

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0  and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewelle

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been Promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying: "My friend you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. Manager: How many days are there in a year? Man: 365 days and sometimes 366. Manager: How many hours make up a day? Man: 24 Hours. Manager: How long do u work in a day? Man: 10am to 6pm i.e 8 hours a day. Manager: So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours? Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e 1/3 (one third). Manager: This is nice of u! what is 1/3rd of 366 days? Man: 122(1/3 x 366=122 in days) Manager: Do u come to work on weekends? Man: No sir. Manager: How many days r there in a year that r weekends? Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days. Manager: Thanks for that. If u remove