A funny love letter

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Divya

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,

***
Divya's reply letter was also in Q/A format...

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside..... right?
(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower Is it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know?
(a) Yes
(b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.
 

Don't mess with intelligent people

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... .

He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running ."

Don't mess with intelligent people.

It was just a wax!

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist.

(In fact, we had nearly called our hospital The 'Holey' Family hospital but are now waiting for our son to be a Proctologist and marry an urologist.)
This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General Practitioner phoned me up and told me that she as sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she  was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our  hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax  removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation  that I had with the patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a  feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"
"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove  it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair  pin."

"Oh my God!"
"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent  this happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that  it happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on  the examination table? Remove your underclothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just  a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Santa... The watch has arrived

Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "the watch has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.

The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes " watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram.

Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

Dirty pickup lines

These are dirty yet amusing pickup lines. Be careful while using because rattling them before descent girls may be injurious to your health.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Damn, you're hot. Wanna go back to my place?

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

Is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Once you go black you never go back

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way, right away.

My love for you is like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

I wish I were your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

Has anyone told you, that you look like (insert celebrity name)?

Are you a model?

The word of the days is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's

What's your sign?

I'm drunk.

Oh my gosh! I lost my phone number....Can I have yours?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again

That dress would look great - on my bedroom floor

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Hey baby you must be a cambells soup girl, cause you look umm umm good."

If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

I love every muscle in your body .....especially mine

Is your dad a machanic, cause you got all the right parts.

Hillary Clinton talks to smart kiddies - joke

During her Presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton goes to a school to talk about the world. After she was done, she offers question time. One little boy, Johny, holds his hand up and asks her:

“I have three questions:
first - what happened to your medical health care plan?
second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
third - what happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?”

Immediately the recess bell rang. So, it was decided to resume after the break was over.

After the break:
Hillary says, “Anybody with a question?”
Another boy, Samby, puts his hand up. Hillary points him out.

Samby:
“I have five questions:
first - what happened to your medical health care plan?
second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
third - what happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?
fifth - what happened to Johny?”

SORRY, IT’S OVER ..How to break away from an affair?

When you’ve got to walk out, you’ve got to walk out. But while doing it, don’t be an emotional infant

Of the 50 ways to leave your lover, Texting, ‘Make a new plan,’ is not the most sensitive. You would think singer/model John Mayer would show more sensitivity than dump Jennifer Aniston with a text message saying, “That’s it – the end.” But apparently, that’s what he did. However, you have to admit that’s better than announcing your decision to move on on national TV, like Matt Damon. Rumour has it that he told then girlfriend Minnie Driver that it was over by announcing it on Oprah Winfrey’s show. More recently, Olympic swimmer and model Amanda Beard publicly expressed her opinion about super-athlete Michael Phelps by saying, “Come on, I have really good taste.” Breaking up (or declining a prospect gracefully, as with Beard) is never easy, but with careful planning and a bit of sensitivity, you can lessen the trauma of heartbreak.

PREPARE THE GROUND

If the case is such that one person has moved on in the relationship and the other is still emotionally attached, start by preparing the ground. Give the person a heads-up by saying you want to discuss something serious and invite them to a dinner. The plan should be immediate, to erode any possibility of suspense on the part of the partner. Make sure the venue is some place you can spend time at. You can’t expect to talk about what is wrong with the relationship that you are ending by the time a burger and coffee arrive at a fast-food joint.

TAKE A FRIEND

Get an objective third party involved. Take the permission of your partner to bring along a neutral friend or family member. If he or she objects, you can also suggest they invite a friend or relative from their side so that they don’t feel cornered. The presence of such a person will keep the discussion on track and stop it from escalating into a blame-game or reaching an emotional crescendo. And if emotions do run high, it is the duty of the third party to ask the partner, who is breaking up, to leave the venue and sit with the other one. They should listen to them vent their anger and re-emphasize that the problem does not lie with them personally.

DON’T DISCUSS MUCH

In a scenario where both people realize that the relationship is heading nowhere, a break-up will come as a relief. But in a case that is otherwise, it is the duty of the one moving on to accept blame. Keep talking about how the relationship has no future or how it has lost its charm without blaming the person or accusing him/her.

KEEP REPEATING IT

The other person is likely to talk about how ‘we had a good time the other day’ etc. Agree with her/him, but talk about how the good times are few and farther away in frequency. Keep the focus on ‘now’ and ‘I’. How ‘you’ feel differently ‘now’ or how ‘your’ needs have changed.

Any other discussion will lead to counter accusations and escalate into anger. In case it does, having a neutral party helps as they will bring the conversation back on track. It is important that you don’t dent the self-esteem of the other person by picking personality flaws. In the same vein, don’t blame parents or interfering friends.

And above all, don’t get angry. It is expected that the person still emotionally involved will be hurt and resort to anger and emotional blackmail. But the other should stand firm in the decision. Don’t waver and go back again and again as this will unnecessarily prolong the end and make the other person feel like he/she is being used. Every time your partner wants to talk about why you’re breaking up, repeat your stand even at the risk of being crude. Hopefully by the next morning, your partner will begin to see the light.

BREAK IT GENTLY

If the girlfriend/boyfriend is excessively emotionally dependent on you, you can cut off ties gradually. While informing them that the relationship is over, reinforce that you will always be friends and that you can be depended upon in the time of need.

In extreme cases, you may need to put space in between you. Saying that you need your space before announcing the break-up will also help prepare ground. But remember to actually reduce your interactions if you want to send out the right signals.

After the break up, call up once in a while to check how they are doing. But make the agreement contractual. In case you can’t speak when they call, promise to call back at a more convenient hour and keep your word. Make the calls less frequent as time goes by. Avoiding calls or making excuses will again open the door for accusations and fights.

WHEN TEXTING IS NECESSARY

Ashley Page (name changed) had to end a relationship by a text message when all other lines of communication broke down. Her ex avoided her calls and postponed all plans of conversation, she finally sent him an SMS saying it was over.

EXPERTSPEAK

• Sometimes, a person has moved on but is afraid of telling the partner and taking responsibility for his/her actions or of the emotional consequences.The person may then act in an offensive manner to drive the partner to take the final step and absolve him/herself of blame.
• Sometimes it is necessary to end a relationship abruptly and impersonally. Especially if the other person is clingy and talking has not lead to anything but emotional outbursts.